First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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