I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
