i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
