Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
