I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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