woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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