Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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