There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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