I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
