Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
