Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
