i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Drake has all the answers
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
