There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize