I looked at my own cervix.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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