my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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