Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
