She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
