I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So much rum. So many feels.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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