So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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