yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
