Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
