Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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