I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the condom got lost in my hair
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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