She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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