the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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