Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
