i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
