Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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Still dying that you shit outside
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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