Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
