Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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