I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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