Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway