Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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