My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
