I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
