You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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