oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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