I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
