I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
