I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
