tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sorry about my life...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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