the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm passing your future prison.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I touched a dick in church today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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