I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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