so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
