speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
