I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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