i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
