Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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