Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
