I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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