he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
