Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
