The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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