Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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