I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
