Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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