I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
