she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
